Writer : John Gray
Publishing year : 1992
Language : English
Type : Non-fiction
How come ? : It's just a book that always existed in my to-read list. I don't remember why I added it to my list but anyway, it's one of the most read non-fiction books of all times.
Estimated time : 6 hours.
Main themes : Relationships of Men and Women.
Recommended for : Couples of stereotypical profiles. People who had to choose between reading this and 50 shades of Grey.
The book in a few words : The solution of all couple problems in one book. Or something like that.
The synonpsis : How to explain the wide difference between men and women in every aspect of life ? How come all men and women conform to a set of general concepts (aka stereotypes) that make very generalization possible ? The answer lays here in the book : if we thought of men and women as two different races, everything becomes clear and understandable, doesn't it ?
The Rating : Mediocre 5/10
The Review :
What to expect from a book that sold millions of copies worldwide and allegedly helped millions of couples to overcome their relationship problems ? Absolutely nothing.
I, for starter, had no idea what the book is about and how it is written. I knew it dealt with the differences between genders (blatantly told by the title), and since it's a book that I heard of when I was still little, it must have been/be famous and good. Well I don't think it is.
Let me get one thing out of the way : I didn't read the entire book. When I said I'll read a book every week, I definitely didn't have in mind this ... kind of books. So although I tried, I couldn't finish it. (to make up for this, I'll read two books next week or something).
Now let the rant begin !
Let's talk about reason #1 I couldn't finish the book : WHY DO YOU, JOHN, REPEAT THE SAME IDEA 33 TIMES ? I know that if he didn't, the size of the book would have diminished considerably (Maybe then I would have read it entirely, maybe). But repeating one freaking idea for SEVEN PAGES is either a work of an idiot or a work addressed to an idiot, which is bad either ways.
Millions of copies have been sold, millions.
Another thing that especially bugged me was the fact that the book is SELLING COMMON SENSE ! I mean telling men to "listen to their wives instead of ignoring them" and telling women to "talk less when their husbands seem focused on a problem" isn't exactly a revolutionary idea for me. My world wasn't shaken by this idea. My life didn't change after reading that. It's just awful.
I mean for people who don't realize that "listening to their partners while they're talking and expressing love to them is good", they should not be reading this book, so I would highly suggest a book that's called "Common Sense for everyone" that I myself will write, and become a best-selling author. I can even borrow some sentences from this book like "Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners". I know, total hit.
What's worse than selling common sense is selling disinformation.
If it wasn't thanks to this book, I wouldn't have known that I as a man, all I care for is solving problems and misinterpreting women. Moreover, men are by nature selfish, egocentric and achievement-oriented, they prioritize success over love, and solving problems over having human relationships. I learnt also that women are on the other hand selfless, love-oriented and think of socialization and connections as their reason of being. I was an ignorant, and this book opened my freaking eyes.
And of course, for every feminist out there who fight for equality, in addition to what preceded, Mr. Gray tells us that "We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different". That's right. Even if you want to argue, Mr. Gray brilliantly points out ever brilliantly that women talk a lot and need to be "cherished and saved" while men don't express themselves and need on the other hand to help and save their princesses from Planet Venus. After all, and like the book sharply illustrates, if it wasn't for men looking at the beauty of Women of Venus through the Telescope they invented, they weren't be motivated to build spaceships to come and complete them. Women on the other hand didn't build anything, they just felt that there are some "wonderful creatures" that will come and help them with "strength and competence", so they went shopping to prepare for this visit. Gender stereotypes IN YO' FACES Y'ALL ! Nothing is better in relationships literature than making all the generalization out there. And Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus does them all.
One more thing, the book actually doesn't make ANY scientific reference .. Psychology, physiology, sociology, anthropology .. they might seem to you as a must to write a rigorous book about gender differences and relationships within society, but Mr. Gray can't but to prove you wrong, wrong, wrong. His personal ideas are superior, and thus a science by their own merit. He even invented the "Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary" .. which is a brilliant method to understand what women say in a more understandable manner. Who needs the scientific method when he has the Gray methods!
The thing is, I actually gave this book 5/10 rather than some 1/10 or something .. but then again, I have my reasons. One is the the book is actually funny to read, (I don't mean like, funny. I mean you laugh at its often stupid content. The author, him, is as funny as a piece of wood) I got several times surprised of how daring the author is to make reference to some obviously erroneous stereotypes. I also laugh when he, after repeating the idea like twenty times, illustrates it with a "real life case" with names like Mary and Tom. I found that unexpectedly hilarious. Like "before Mary discovered the Martian culture, she used to get mad at Tom for not listening to her. Now that she knows about the secrets of Martians, she no longer talks to Tom when he's in his cave of problem-solving. She's more supportive and more understanding now". I'm pretty sure this book changed the life of Mary and Tom times and times again. It's not that useless after all.
A second thing is that when you read a book so devoid of new ideas, it makes you grateful that the world has more than that to offer, thus it increase your general feeling of happiness, which is a desirable effect of any book (all backwards, but still).
But when I look at it differently, and although I think of myself as a rather odd representative of the Men class (being much less interested in these relationships at my age for one), the book sometimes, weirdly enough, kind of tells the truth. Although maybe most generalizations are false, some of them actually true, and when the book points them out, it's not hard to think of real-life cases that actually fit the description of their respective gender (women that are whinny, men that are absorbed by their work ..). In fact, although the book has no scientific background, it hits the mark at times successfully.
So between the hilariously redundant and the oddly true, the books lingers in the zone of "mediocre". Maybe one day when I'm in the midst of a relationship, I'll read it and I'll understand more my Mary. Or maybe not. Probably not.
I feel sorry that "John + Color Name" reputation has been harmed a bit. To have a poplar name and a color family name doesn't necessarily imply you're a good writer. With all due respect, Mr. John Gray.
Favorite passages :
I would have copy-pasted the whole thing here, but I don't think it will fit (and there are the copyright issues and stuff) .. So please be contented of these few gems of wisdom (I'll quote only from the beginning because I wasn't motivated enough to do so once I passed the first fifty pages) :
"Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships in the 1990s."
Face it, you'll never be as straightforward as this guy. Honesty, modesty and what-the-heck-is-that-ty.
"I make many generalizations about men and women in this book."
Thanks goodness you said it yourself.
"They [Men] donʹt read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldnʹt care less about romance novels and self‐help books. They are more interested in ʺobjectsʺ and ʺthingsʺ rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology. Men are preoccupied with the ʺthingsʺ that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals."
Wooow. Thanks for defining me, sir John Gray.
"Everything on Venus reflects these values [love, communication, beauty, and relationships]. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w th living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars. [..] Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants."
Woooow. Thanks for defining women for me, sir John Gray.
"And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else canʹt achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency,power, and competence."
Defining redundancy.
"[after a couple other examples, this one is my favorite]ʺI want to forget everythingʺ translated into Martian means ʺI want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ʹWhatʹs the matter?ʹ and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things.ʺ"
I think I have some learning to do.
I, for starter, had no idea what the book is about and how it is written. I knew it dealt with the differences between genders (blatantly told by the title), and since it's a book that I heard of when I was still little, it must have been/be famous and good. Well I don't think it is.
Let me get one thing out of the way : I didn't read the entire book. When I said I'll read a book every week, I definitely didn't have in mind this ... kind of books. So although I tried, I couldn't finish it. (to make up for this, I'll read two books next week or something).
Now let the rant begin !
Let's talk about reason #1 I couldn't finish the book : WHY DO YOU, JOHN, REPEAT THE SAME IDEA 33 TIMES ? I know that if he didn't, the size of the book would have diminished considerably (Maybe then I would have read it entirely, maybe). But repeating one freaking idea for SEVEN PAGES is either a work of an idiot or a work addressed to an idiot, which is bad either ways.
Millions of copies have been sold, millions.
Another thing that especially bugged me was the fact that the book is SELLING COMMON SENSE ! I mean telling men to "listen to their wives instead of ignoring them" and telling women to "talk less when their husbands seem focused on a problem" isn't exactly a revolutionary idea for me. My world wasn't shaken by this idea. My life didn't change after reading that. It's just awful.
I mean for people who don't realize that "listening to their partners while they're talking and expressing love to them is good", they should not be reading this book, so I would highly suggest a book that's called "Common Sense for everyone" that I myself will write, and become a best-selling author. I can even borrow some sentences from this book like "Understanding, trust, compassion, acceptance, and support are the solution, not blaming our partners". I know, total hit.
What's worse than selling common sense is selling disinformation.
If it wasn't thanks to this book, I wouldn't have known that I as a man, all I care for is solving problems and misinterpreting women. Moreover, men are by nature selfish, egocentric and achievement-oriented, they prioritize success over love, and solving problems over having human relationships. I learnt also that women are on the other hand selfless, love-oriented and think of socialization and connections as their reason of being. I was an ignorant, and this book opened my freaking eyes.
And of course, for every feminist out there who fight for equality, in addition to what preceded, Mr. Gray tells us that "We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different". That's right. Even if you want to argue, Mr. Gray brilliantly points out ever brilliantly that women talk a lot and need to be "cherished and saved" while men don't express themselves and need on the other hand to help and save their princesses from Planet Venus. After all, and like the book sharply illustrates, if it wasn't for men looking at the beauty of Women of Venus through the Telescope they invented, they weren't be motivated to build spaceships to come and complete them. Women on the other hand didn't build anything, they just felt that there are some "wonderful creatures" that will come and help them with "strength and competence", so they went shopping to prepare for this visit. Gender stereotypes IN YO' FACES Y'ALL ! Nothing is better in relationships literature than making all the generalization out there. And Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus does them all.
One more thing, the book actually doesn't make ANY scientific reference .. Psychology, physiology, sociology, anthropology .. they might seem to you as a must to write a rigorous book about gender differences and relationships within society, but Mr. Gray can't but to prove you wrong, wrong, wrong. His personal ideas are superior, and thus a science by their own merit. He even invented the "Venusian/Martian Phrase Dictionary" .. which is a brilliant method to understand what women say in a more understandable manner. Who needs the scientific method when he has the Gray methods!
The thing is, I actually gave this book 5/10 rather than some 1/10 or something .. but then again, I have my reasons. One is the the book is actually funny to read, (I don't mean like, funny. I mean you laugh at its often stupid content. The author, him, is as funny as a piece of wood) I got several times surprised of how daring the author is to make reference to some obviously erroneous stereotypes. I also laugh when he, after repeating the idea like twenty times, illustrates it with a "real life case" with names like Mary and Tom. I found that unexpectedly hilarious. Like "before Mary discovered the Martian culture, she used to get mad at Tom for not listening to her. Now that she knows about the secrets of Martians, she no longer talks to Tom when he's in his cave of problem-solving. She's more supportive and more understanding now". I'm pretty sure this book changed the life of Mary and Tom times and times again. It's not that useless after all.
A second thing is that when you read a book so devoid of new ideas, it makes you grateful that the world has more than that to offer, thus it increase your general feeling of happiness, which is a desirable effect of any book (all backwards, but still).
But when I look at it differently, and although I think of myself as a rather odd representative of the Men class (being much less interested in these relationships at my age for one), the book sometimes, weirdly enough, kind of tells the truth. Although maybe most generalizations are false, some of them actually true, and when the book points them out, it's not hard to think of real-life cases that actually fit the description of their respective gender (women that are whinny, men that are absorbed by their work ..). In fact, although the book has no scientific background, it hits the mark at times successfully.
So between the hilariously redundant and the oddly true, the books lingers in the zone of "mediocre". Maybe one day when I'm in the midst of a relationship, I'll read it and I'll understand more my Mary. Or maybe not. Probably not.
I feel sorry that "John + Color Name" reputation has been harmed a bit. To have a poplar name and a color family name doesn't necessarily imply you're a good writer. With all due respect, Mr. John Gray.
Favorite passages :
I would have copy-pasted the whole thing here, but I don't think it will fit (and there are the copyright issues and stuff) .. So please be contented of these few gems of wisdom (I'll quote only from the beginning because I wasn't motivated enough to do so once I passed the first fifty pages) :
"Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships in the 1990s."
Face it, you'll never be as straightforward as this guy. Honesty, modesty and what-the-heck-is-that-ty.
"I make many generalizations about men and women in this book."
Thanks goodness you said it yourself.
"They [Men] donʹt read magazines like Psychology Today, Self, or People. They are more concerned with outdoor activities, like hunting, fishing, and racing cars. They are interested m the news, weather, and sports and couldnʹt care less about romance novels and self‐help books. They are more interested in ʺobjectsʺ and ʺthingsʺ rather than people and feelings. Even today on Earth, while women fantasize about romance, men fantasize about powerful cars, faster computers, gadgets, gizmos, and new more powerful technology. Men are preoccupied with the ʺthingsʺ that can help them express power by creating results and achieving their goals."
Wooow. Thanks for defining me, sir John Gray.
"Everything on Venus reflects these values [love, communication, beauty, and relationships]. Rather than building highways and tall buildings, the Venusians are more concerned w th living together in harmony, community, and loving cooperation. Relationships are more important than work and technology. In most ways their world is the opposite of Mars. [..] Venus is covered with parks, organic gardens, shopping centers, and restaurants."
Woooow. Thanks for defining women for me, sir John Gray.
"And for him to feel good about himself he must achieve these goals by himself. Someone else canʹt achieve them for him. Martians pride themselves in doing things all by themselves. Autonomy is a symbol of efficiency,power, and competence."
Defining redundancy.
"[after a couple other examples, this one is my favorite]ʺI want to forget everythingʺ translated into Martian means ʺI want you to know that I love my work and my life but today I am so overwhelmed. I would love to do something really nurturing for myself before I have to be responsible again. Would you ask me ʹWhatʹs the matter?ʹ and then listen with empathy without offering any solutions? I just want to feel you understanding the pressures I feel. It would make me feel so much better. It helps me to relax. Tomorrow I will get back to being responsible and handling things.ʺ"
I think I have some learning to do.
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